Journal Entry 2

Things have started calming, emotionally. The shock of the news and initial reaction by others and myself threw me for a loop there for a while. I'm still feeling angry, scared and guilty but am working through the feelings. That's not to say it'll calm and all will be better soon.

Shit happens, right?

I'm not some special person who is excluded from cancer, or any illness after-all. I'm just a normal member of Earth and therefore part of the lottery of life.

And it's not like I'm dying. I tell my self to stop being a baby, but the idea that next time, or any of the next times, could mean losing myself scares me. Still, there are people facing metastatic and high grade cancers, so really, I'm lucky this is the type and grade of cancer I ended up with in that crappy lottery.

The week was easier, as I said. That may have had something to do with the busy work week. And these headaches have just been a constant guest in my head, so I've been keeping to myself. This means less jackass statement opportunities by people thinking they're giving supportive comments. 

I shouldn't be mad at them either. It's not like they deal with this all the time either. How would they know what's going to be okay to say or what's going to come across as insulting or awkward? And they mean well... sigh, yes, they mean well. I must keep reminding myself that.

But damn it! I hate those pitied looks and "poor you" words! It makes me feel like they think I'm a victim. THAT makes ME feel like a victim, and I am NOT a victim.

It not like the little tumors snickered evilly, rubbed their hands together in anticipated glee and then dove in with the direct purpose of slowly destroying my brain.

I'm just "gifted" with deformed cell regeneration, that are so excited they're growing warped and out of control.

"Everything will be fine."

"Everything will be fine."

One more time, Tumor Girl.

"Everything will be fine."

Talk to you later anonymous world.